Fast and Pray

I detached from Facebook for the week.  Hence the updating of this blog.  I substituted one time waster for another.  I was doing great at the beginning of the week.  Reading the Bible a lot.  I felt better about everything.  

"Godliness with contentment is great gain."  That is a verse I am trying to ingest, meditate on and then live out.  It's so small a verse yet so huge a concept. 

I have for some time felt that God accidentally made me in the wrong century.  I mean not really since I trust God not to make such huge mistakes (tiny ones, maybe).  So since I trust his timing I would often wonder why I was put here and now? I mean, I guess that is the huge question we are all wrestling with right?  Here is what I am getting to: deep down in my bones I want to live in a one room cabin with no electricity and spend most of my day farming.  I think I would have been really great at living in the year, oh, 1902.  

I read Cold Mountain recently, and it is about these two ladies who run this farm in the 1860s in the mountains of North Carolina.  Yes, it was difficult.  Yes, it was exhausting.  But goodness, to work with my hands like that; to plow fields and shuck corn and raise goats.  I also just started See You in a Hundred Years.  A book about a husband and wife who leave New York City to move into a farm in Virginia and live like it was there 100 years ago.  I've only read the first two pages.  I'll update about it as I get more into it.


Tonight, I built a bonfire in my backyard. (It was my second solo bonfire success!)  I wanted to make squash and brats.  So I collected the wood, got the fire going, chopped the vegetables, skewered the meat and got to cooking.  IT WAS DELICIOUS!  And I feel accomplished, though it was such a small thing.  

All of this is to say that I want a simple life. I want a simplicity that starts within and then manifests itself in my actions and behaviors and lifestyle.  


I love to fast.  Not while I'm in the middle of one. But before and after.  In the middle it sucks.  I hate not eating what I want when I want.  So fasting is the most immediate way to practice self-discipline and to crucify my flesh.  


I did an extended fast recently.  It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be... because I did it with other believers.  It was amazing.  I didn't have any divine revelations but everything was put into perspective.  I learned that I am capable of doing an extended fast.  I hope to do another one soon.  Maybe 7 days.  I feel listless and directionless.  I want to fast and pray until I hear God's voice in my life.  Until I feel where his Spirit is leading. Until I know what step to take next.  


"Taste and see that the Lord is good."  I don't think I've gotten a good taste in a while. I feel thirsty for his Spirit.  


"Seek him and you will find him when you seek him with all your heart."

I think it's time to soar.

I have been thinking so much lately. Thinking and not doing. I've also been reading a lot. Well, not any more than usual but I have been wanting to read a lot more. Insatiable. That is the word that best describes my desire to read right now. I am currently reading Forgotten God by Francis Chan, A Common Sense Guide to Economics by Thomas Sowell, Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, Getting Started in Drawing by Wendon Blake and Leviticus by uh, Moses? I'm reading Leviticus because every January I make the resolution to read through the entire Bible. By the time I get to Leviticus I poop out. It's dreadful. So, I'm starting there now. Reading three chapters every night. It works very well to put me to sleep.


I've been feeling levels of discontentment which have heretofore been unknown to me. Forgotten God is speaking very clearly to that. It's about the Holy Spirit and his role in our lives. Francis states that we are all living dreadfully separated from the Spirit of God. And I agree.


I want to be famous. There. That is my biggest confession. I'm not sure which is saddest... the fact that I have that pitifully shallow desire or that I have no skill or talent for which I would ever be famous. I would like to write children's books. Or be a musician or a photographer. I suppose in a nutshell I would like to be an artist. If Daniel made all the money we needed to live I would do arts and crafts all day. I think. Also, I would have babies. But that scares me, too. I was thinking today... I think my mom could have been anything she wanted to be when she was a young lady... instead, though, she had kids. It's funny because I think I could be anything I want to be, too. But I think instead I'll have kids.

I really do believe that being a mom is the most important responsibility and joy, even, in all the world. That is why I so strongly desire to be one (and because of some innate urge that I feel deep down in my soul). BUT, I must also admit that I mourn all the things that are sacrificed when deciding to take that path in life.

I know a lot of yuppie moms. Moms who have garages full of colored Tupperware tubs that are color coded for each holiday and season. Moms who scrapbook. Moms who don't have to work because their husbands make plenty so they can stay home and volunteer at their kids' school or take the kids to the library or to the park in the middle of the day. Part of me wants that so bad it's embarrassing. But another part of me cringes at the thought that one day I will be just like all the other yuppie moms in all the other yuppie neighborhoods who all attend yuppie churches with other yuppie families. (Do you feel my disdain for yuppie-ness???)

BUT what if I have a family with a mini-van, some scrapbooks and color-coated Tupperware tubs while living in community with other believers??? Will that make it okay?? Will that make me less of a yuppie? I hope so. And by in community with other believers I mean literally living in the same house with another family or two (or three or four).

How ridiculous is it that this takes up so much of my thought life when D and I are years away from ever even having a child (or a house or a mini-van)? Quite.

I'm late to something. C'est ma vie.

('Let your yes be yes and your no be no.' That's when the Bible is telling us not to swear or promise. I promise to blog more often. And I swear I'll be as honest as I can.)

Shout outs to Brandy, Abi and Jess: my followers. And Emaline. I think she reads this, too.